Back and off

OK it is definitely time to resume the catharsis. Right now, the mind is as usual proving harder to master than even the mighty winds. How easily I quote from the Gita. A sign of the frivolity of us young people some might say but I may turn back and say I am not so young anymore either!

I digress.

Driving to work this morning, listening to the Phish Camden recording for the nth time, I was thinking how Phish is once again becoming central to my musical leanings. I come to office and the first thing I see on my Facebook update is a message about Radiohead's latest song which they are giving away for free download. And now as I listen to "These are my twisted words", the Universe seems whole again. Reason and meaning is gushing like a cheerful gurgling spring back into life.

What's more I am off to Ladakh tonight. Until then keep on keepin' on.

Lotus Born

I am not sure whether it is my excitement regarding my trip to Ladakh in August or me reading two books which trace Tibetan buddhism and its richness or...something else. But I feel more and more drawn to the Dalai Lama lately...more so than I have ever felt. Is there a more complex explanation to this? Why do some things begin to pique your curiousity when they do? Hmmm...

What I do know is I must read more of the Dalai Lama's writings.

Belief

I was thinking to myself after the 10 K run on Sunday...well thinking is the wrong word. I think the word is reflecting. Yes as I was reflecting in a very unstructured manner, all kinds of past events flitted through my mind. I was again told by someone close that I have self discipline and that's what got me reflecting. I've always seen myself as somewhat lazy, unwilling to go the extra mile and I've always felt I am content too easily. Having said that, over the last 6 years I've lived in 2 different countries, reinvented myself completely, changed career tracks...twice, ran a marathon. So maybe I am not that much of a wimp after all. I will immediately add also that I harbour no pride or even a sense of accomplishment...I keep telling people some of the things I've done anyone can do. But the key really lies in believing. I think if you really believe you can and really want it bad, it comes together. Events conspire to make things happen in your favour. I am not enlightened enough to articulate this further, besides it's already been spoken about by countless people in the past. If you want something, really believe and try to make it happen, most times it really will happen.

Into the Wild

I just finished reading John Krakauer's non-fiction book "Into the Wild". I have read a few books already this year that have held me in thrall and made me refresh my outlook about life. This is surely one of them. An excerpt from the book:

I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter skelter style of life that will at first appear to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.

Tick

As I ready myself for the great wheel of Time to tick over and click, signaling the end of a year and the start of a new one, I turned back to this time 5 years ago. Why 5 years? It seems like a good number...a solid, unarguable amount of time for any reason or situation: getting over someone, planning a country's future or taking stock of your life even. So 5 years.

As far as memories go, this one has defied the wheel of Time fairly well, has stood the test of changing countries not once but twice. It has weathered storms of snow and emotions, of upheavals both mental and physical. The memory is simple as it is pure. Picture this: a sun bathed central square in Maastricht. 3 chairs around one of the quintessential little tables in a quintessential Dutch town, the omnipresent Grolsch on the table. Complete tranquility and calm...watching people criss cross the square...chuckling at a few who walked into the church joking amongst us if it was a parking lot or a supermarket. And 2 other familiar and notorious faces equally busy quaffing mead and exchanging talk with me. That was the 30th of March in 2004. It was an absolutely gorgeous early spring day in the Netherlands. That entire day was one of the best of my life: simple, pure and it also happened to be my birthday. What a birthday present it was.

2004 was also a year of immense change. When I stepped out of the comfortable classroom of AIESEC into an unexpected, confusing, chaotic and often incomprehensible real world. 5 years hence, here I am back where the exploring started.

I dug 0ut a blog post from my first few days in China: testimony to the values of keeping a journal and to the efficacy of blogs being almost perpetual in nature. I quote directly from that blog post:

Thursday, September 16, 2004, Shanghai

The Old life...& the new

It never ceases to amaze me how easily we manage to slip into a routine regardless of where we are or what we are doing. It is the nature of man, one can only assume. What is also startling is how so many traits from our old life insidiously seep into the new ones we think we have fled to. When I say fled it wouldn't entirely be a lie. I did indeed want to go away to a place where I could begin my life with a clean sheet. We never can run away from our ghosts, ghosts are meant to be slain not to flee away from. I hope that coming to Shanghai has brought me closer to the lairs of these ghosts. The life or routine I have already established in close to 4 weeks here in Shanghai seems almost a copy of Rotterdam, at least in terms of the after work hours. Going back home, cooking a good meal, putting on some Ben Harper, watching a DVD. The question that is posed before me is should I be doing anything different? I can say that I have been working pretty hard ever since I got here. But the life beyond the cubicle: should that be any different than millions of others? Why not? Some of the decisions that I took before I got here was that I would try to learn how to play the guitar (I am doing that right now), that I would shed several pounds (I will start doing that very soon), that I would try to be a better human being (I think I am). So if these things are on track, then I don't have any reason to be unhappy. Or thas that's theory. But despite this, the mind is restless yet again"

It's a little hard for me to digest this post from 5 years ago...I stumbled upon it only a few minutes back and while I have more answers than I did then, the questions haven't stopped asking themselves or multiplying either.

At the same time, I have found meaning in things I would never have imagined 5 years ago. I have grown somewhat more mature (notice I said somewhat), the aesthetic has evolved in a positive way, the generosity of spirit, the wanderlust, the sense of hope and empowerment have remained intact.

I've changed 3 jobs since, traveled to 5 new countries, made incredible new friends and found old ones who were there but whom I didn't have the wisdom to notice, found and lost relationships, been present at weddings which turned to be among my happiest moments, puedo escribir en español si tu quieres, wrote a Spanish equivalency exam which I never thought I would be up to and actually cleared it, followed my heart and not my head in almost every step and I've tried hard and at times unsuccessfully to be true to the ideals and values I feel constitute who I am and finally what I believe to be by far my own, prized memory among the few things I can say I did since that day in Maastricht: finishing a marathon. To me, doing this has given me the hope and strenghth to take on challenges I would otherwise have quailed in front of. But not to turn this into another running post! (You'll agree there are plenty of those!)

Time has done a good job chiseling away at the rough edges.

But as I had asked myself 5 years ago, the questions still abound, awaiting to be confronted. I feel things I can't fully explain but I have increasingly come to trust my instinct...to believe that although the path is never clear, the signs almost certainly are, awaiting to be felt, to be spotted, to be followed.

It's 3 months into 2009 and already there's a torrent of all my familiar friends: doubt, hesitation, uncertainty both real and perceived; but also hope, excitement, that familiar bitter sweet feeling, the music, the friends, the shoes, the family, the road. Truly, that which limits us is only our ability to dream and that which liberates us, the same.

Plans

How realistic is it to set goals and make plans months and years in advance? What are plans after all?

- Marathon in 5 months
- Intermediate Spanish degree in 1 year
- Some French too tal vez...
- ...no I am not even going to say this one...

Doublespeak

Holi and all the consequent celebrations always bring to mind the doublespeak that leaves me dumbfounded and floundering like a landed fish

Tonight?

We all have our idiosyncrasies. We all have our quirks. And these in turn influence our preferences and tastes. Fridays always throw open the debate,"Where are we going tonight?"

I find it intriguing how a genial, slightly garrulous, slightly smoke filled atmosphere with some ale can stimulate so greatly. An atmosphere where the strains of acoustic guitar blend in complete harmony with a harmonica, where the talk is about appreciating the subtlety and genius of the music in the air, nodding in agreement at modern day troubadours and their messages, where the talk is books and travel, distant bazaar streets and spice markets, rustic cafés and their unique air. A place where one does not know whether its the music and smoke and ale, or the company or the talk that takes precedence but they all blend into this delicious yet undefinable whole..like hot baklava and sheesha and apple tea...all serving to take the senses to a parallel which is always fresh no matter how often one visits.

This would be my ideal refuge. A perfect Friday or Saturday evening.

*pop*

I work in an unusual environment. Of course what I mean to say is its unusual as compared to commonly held perceptions about what a work environment constitutes: an impersonal off white office block stretching to the sky, those horrid wood prisons we call cubes, phones beeping, muted chatter, unduly long breaks at the water cooler, board rooms, late evening ordered -in pizza ...you get the picture.

I work in an office space which has no cubes, where staff sits on whichever chair is available then depending on how many people are in the office, a wash basin next to my designated desk from where my desk is at times sprayed with droplets when ever the sink is put to use, water colour paintings and crayon drawings made by young children plastered on walls and a furniture factory next door to provide a steady hum, whine and clash of wood being forged into something people buy. But that's not what makes this office different. In fact, with my laptop, earphones and back to the office, I pretty much manage to block out what may initially seem inconveniences but actually aren't. A bubble woven with an almost toxic mix comprising MS Office, broadband internet and an extensive music collection. But like all bubbles, this one too pops, but what you see and hear makes up for the fleeting discomfort.

What does set this office apart from the normal are the conversations that I overhear when my earphones aren't plugged in:

"Why don't you want to finish your 10th grade exams? You should...it will help you and you'll be able to earn twice what you earn today"

"Where is your friend? Call him here...otherwise he'll soon run away again or will steal something. Bring him and I will speak to him"

"She just completed her vocational training course and is now earning 3500 a month!"

"The parents were extremely angry because the children returned later than expected...some of them were drunk and beat up the children. They then came to beat us up too, accusing us of taking their children away and removing their kidneys & eyes to sell them..."

At times jarring, at times disappointing and on rare occasions satisfying...I guess these emotions aren't very different from what one might experience in a more, shall I say sterile office environment. What keeps coming back is the reality that here, it isn't quarterly sales targets or revenue estimates that are being discussued...and of course it sure beats water cooler induced gossip ...back go the earphones.

OST

Trippy times spent with Delhi visitors always throw up interesting questions: if you were to have a soundtrack for your life, what would it be like?

:-) Interesting no? Definitely something to think about....

Who's to say?

Most often, I eat lunch at a nearby south Indian fast food outlet which is 5 minutes away from my office. The road leading to it takes me through slums and narrow winding roads. I spend about Rs. 20 on average for my meal (50 eurocents). The restaurant is small, clean and with no seating space. One buys their food ala McDonalds and stands their plates on granite platforms lining the sides of the walls, quickly runs through the meal and leaves. The interior of the restaurant is kept spotless and clean; plates are removed as fast as they are emptied, spots of curry or bits of food are mopped up instantly and glasses are disposed into plastic trays and taken to the wash. Its a great place to eat for a quick & clean meal...cheap & tasty.

But off late I have begun to enjoy the food less. Plates, spills and glasses are wiped, picked up and removed by 2 or 3 young boys ostensibly "working" in the restaurant. The boys can't be more than 14 years old. They aren't legally allowed to work which makes things worse for them. Going by what usually happens, they must be kids brought in from a town in one of the outlying districts of Karnataka state, sent by their parents to earn some income. They would get a place to sleep at night (usually the same floor on which I stand and eat my lunch), they would get 3 meals and any income they would earn would be sent directly to their parents. These kids would almost never pick up a cricket bat on the streets, wouldn't know the meaning of a holiday.

There's many questions here: Where do you stop enforcing your moral standards and temper it with practicality? I feel increasingly uneasy eating as the kid goes about his bleak existence. Because I don't go up to the manager and speak on this issue, am I just another of the herd...going about my life without living the values I claim to work for? Or am I just being practical in accepting the sad yet ultimate truth that we can't change the world. Or am I just reverting to my elitist roots, metaphorically rolling up my car window and driving on whilst nodding my head in sympathy at the sad state of affairs that exist today...forgetting about them the moment I am in my favourite coffee house?

Is there a right answer? Or for that matter, is there even a right question? As hard as I try to distance myself from the work I do, its a struggle at the best of times. How this struggle manifests itself in my daily life, I shall write separately. For now I don't feel so good about that lunch I just had because a spoonful of helplessness is the most bitter of tonics to swallow.

Then, who?

Last week I changed all the light bulbs in my house. I discarded the incadescent yellow light emitting ones and replaced them with white compact fluroscent lights or CFLs. I then went on to tell my Mom that we've just reduced our carbon footprint a little bit.

Cut to another scene, there is a water crisis of gargantuan proportions looming over the city of Bangalore. With 9 million people and growing, there simply isn't any water to go around, or if there is corruption is seeing to it that people pay 3 - 5 times the normal amount they would for it.

Conservation of resources and preservation of the environment are two behavioural characteristics closely tied to each other I think. Those who understand it...well understand it. Those who don't, don't seem to really apply much thought to it. Nobody likes being preached at and hence for those few beacons of hope that are out there are shut out or laughed at or have a now common phrase thrown at them, " But there isn't enough science to support your theory". Ludicrous of course....friends of mine actually believe in this rubbish or even if they see what is happening to our natural resources, aren't worried enough so long as you open the tap and have water flowing or flip the switch and there's light.

This brings me back to a basic premise of being a responsible citizen, not just of your community or locality but of the entire planet. Once we internalize this concept, we allow room for change. I keep saying that its not about awakening any latent change agent characteristics...you can't go around expecting people to wake up and do volunteer work or save the whales. The only thing that can be done is to provide easy access to information and hope that people will eventually become more sensitized to these pressing issues. Once people are sensitized, its amazing the things they do. But till such time I can only sit back, read how a 100 countries came together, all agreed climate change is real and went back home...meanwhile the lightbulbs burn bright all over Bangalore and commercial renewable energy is but a distant dream and hundreds of thousands of people go without potable water and electricity in one of the world's biggest technology hubs.

Irony likes its jokes cruel.

Rewind

This might as well turn into a music blog. I was sent this song by a friend and the lyrics brought a big smile to my face and a knowing nod...I keep saying that I was born twenty years too late....here's another validation of that belief (minus the flowers of course)

From "Wish I was a punk rocker..." by Sandi Thom

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late and to a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar,
Not everybody drove a car,
When music really mattered and when radio was king,
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything

When popstars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when God Saved the Queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
When my mom and dad were in their teens
and anarchy was still a dream
and the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

When record shops were on top
and vinyl was all that they stocked
and the super info highway was still drifting out in space
kids were wearing hand me downs,
and playing games meant kick arounds
and footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

I was born too late to a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

The Other Side

Isn't it funny & strange how certain things are trumpeted and made so much about when they are actually not a big deal at all? In fact they are not even worthy of more than a passing mention but instead we debate, dissect and try to extrapolate till the ends of the earth. But once you are out on the other side, more than a fleeting sense of liberation, one more importantly is left with a comfortable feeling of self assuredness.

A trivial matter this may have been but it would be prudent to heed the outcome still.

Lurgee

I was asked recently what kind of music I listen to and when I listed out a handful of bands and singled out one of them the reaction was "Yes I've listened to a few of their songs but after a point, they get really weird".

I feel better, I feel better now you've gone.
I got better, I got better, I got strong.
I feel better, I feel better now there's nothing wrong

Now if you'd said this about Phish I would have conceded but not with these guys...they aren't weird honey but mostly melancholy...mostly melancholy.

Carrying it off

Clothes maketh the man. My grandfather would tell me this quite often when I was a little kid, exhorting me to dress sharp. Somewhere that bit of sound advice was lost. One tends to adopt a peer friendly attitude to dressing, especially if we are part of a comfortable, mature & non – judgmental peer group. Of course this may not hold true for women but for the guys, it’s by & large the truth.

However, maybe at times we tend to get a little too comfortable…slipping from casual to sloppy. That’s a fine line and often breached. It could be either because we aren’t aware of it, we don’t care or we assume a fake bravado, flaunting frumpiness as our fashion statement.

So what happens when one tries to break out of a perceived image? The reactions are startlingly acute and make for good conversation topics with pretty girls, if one happens to be at a social gathering. Recent experiences also tell me that acceptance doesn’t come too quickly! Comments, compliments (?) and exclamations abound. However, its fun to do if you’re ok with letting go. And letting go, I’ve come to believe is a skill not easily acquired and one that can also be much cherished once mastered. Of course anthropologists could have further uses to such experiments and if not anything else, you'll get a good idea about your perceived image among your peer group! A real time visual DNA test if you like heh.

As for me, I’m not stowing that shirt away anytime soon.

Refresh

Poignant. Moving. True. And many more but words seldom (with me they never seem to) suffice when it comes to doing justice in expressing powerful & enjoyable experiences. The Namesake is one such work, subliminally moving yet starkly revealing...love, lust, betrayal, bonds big small strong weak rejected embraced. Irrfan Khan & Tabu are brilliant with Kal Penn not too far behind and the background score...heaven.

To say this is a movie on the Indian story in the States would be to appreciate a very small part of what Mira Nair manages to weave through 2 hours. But it is representative. And it transcends cultures. And now I'm also more than mildly curious about Nikolai Vasilievich Gogol.

Shantaram should be a cracker.

Legislating morality...for over 60 years

Like there aren't enough things already to test my patience, make me grind my teeth in frustration and nod my head in disbelief

• Our great HD Kumara F-ing Swamy's government is talking about banning horse racing. Why exactly, I could not ascertain from the news reports or his (usually) nonsensical comments
  
• In Bombay, the government-police-moral police have again begun to "crack down" on couples enjoying the sunset at Bandstand and other places Amit Varma tells me
• Ban sex education in schools in Maharashtra because 16 year olds are too "tender" to receive this information
  

And bars, restaurants and pubs in Bangalore continue to shut at 11:30. I wish I could get on top of roof tops all around the world and say how much I think this city has degraded, how we Indians are amongst the most two faced, hyppocritical so n so's and why, in general we are prized asses. From Gandhi till today we have stayed true...legislating morality for longer than I care to remember.

Sorry...boiling point reached, eloquence sacrificed on the altar of anger and now better, calmer

With a p h

Who would have thought that a 30 odd second clip of a song heard in a Simpson's episode 4 years ago would lead to the personal discovery of one of the most entertaining & heady kinds of music, in addition to just letting yourself go to the experience that is Phish.

Future

I read this on the back of an auto rickshaw yesterday:

"Our future - blood cheap, water costly''

Hmmm...true true.