Warnie

This one is just too good not to put up here. Enjoy and Warnie...take a bow! :-)

SK Warne's Match Day Diary from Adelaide!

SK Warne Match Report 2nd Ashes Test

Day 5 of the Second Test.

We're 1 nil up and if I was playing for England today I would be thinking... slow and steady lads, slow and steady.

But I'm not thank god and his son Jesus Christ, I'm Australian, and I've woken up with a horn that a dog couldn't chew - not sure if it's because I can't wait to get that cherry in my hand and get stuck into the soap dodgers... or if it hasn't gone down since phone s.ex with Rianna Ponting last night. Anyway, there's no one in my room to stick it in, and no time to get on the text messages - best jump in the David Gower, work up a nice lather and give the cleaner some work to do on the tiles.

Hot breakfast this morning, quite by accident. Put the lit end of the ciggie into my gob while changing hands to down an Iced Coffee. Pup Clarke thought it was a hell of a joke until I told him I used his p00fy white skivvy to mop up after a phone conversation with his sister last night.

All the boys are full of beans this morning at brekky. Pigeon was telling everyone the odds he'd got for us to win this morning, and how he's whacked all the money he won on McGilla not being selected, straight on us. P.rick could have shared his bookie with me. I happen to think we'll get up today too. Particularly with the team they've got on the park. Giles couldn't turn a steak into $hit. Jones couldn't keep a farking secret. "Bell end" wouldn't know what I was chucking at him. In fact, Kay Pee and that bloke with the stupid name that doesn't usually get a game are their only hope.

Arrive at the ground and while the rest of them are keen to get into the nets for a warm up, I've got plans to test out the Adelaide sewage system by sending one of the biggest t.urds Adelaide has ever seen into it. I'm only 15 minutes into this fine little session, not even up the centrefold spread yet, when I hear a muffled voice talking about the history of test cricket and how if you look back, the chances of Australia getting a win are so remote it's not worth considering, and how England just need to go steady, nothing silly needs to be done, a draw here will do just fine with 3 tests still to go, maybe we can wear down an ageing aussie side... then, along with that monster t.rd I was talking about, the penny dropped... I'm in the wrong farking change room, and I'm listening to Freddy Flinstone give his "inspiring" pre-match speech.... note to self, NEVER complain about Punter's speeches again.

So with the knowledge that we now had the game in the bag, out we trot to the centre. I've grabbed the new ball and told Punter "I'll sort this lot out"… Punter's told me to pull my stupid head in and wait till I'm told.... this is what happens when you give a short man from Tasmania a bit of authority, he tries to make you pay for all the inbreeding jokes ever created.

Still, I'll bide my time, we've got all day. 10 minutes into session 1 and Punter can't even look at me when he throws me the pill... of course, I let him know he's made the first good call for the game, and asked him to trot down to fine leg please… even he laughed at that one while jogging to first slip.

An hour or so later and I'm well on the way to completely stripping away any sense of pride the "Unwashed" have built up in the past 4 days. Strauss was easy - nice catch by Mr. Cricket by the way (this bloke is so good to me I almost feel guilty about pegging his new girlfriend). Bell "end" run out by me (even when getting run out this poor ba$tard has my name next to his in the wicket column). Kay Pee - I enjoyed this one, certainly wiped the stupid smile from his south african dial. Giles - from one spinner to one that isn't, this was a forgettable one..... and then Hoggard, felt sorry for this poor p.rick - I've never seen anyone this ugly before, I can see why he grows that hair.

So that's that... we had 168 to knock off in the final session, which was always going to happen. 2-0 to us, Punter named man of the match, but we all know I deserved it.

Beers will flow in our rooms, tears will flow in theirs. The Ashes are back, and thank god they didn't have them for long enough for anyone to realise!

Love to your missus

SK Warne.